How to… Invade Earth

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If the movies are to be believed, Earth is on the brink of an alien invasion. Not that we should be afraid though because the aliens won’t succeed, they never do. That being the case, maybe it is time to help the visitors from another planet and look to those very movies for a handy “how to…” guide on invading Earth.

Make an entrance

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You want to make your intentions clear. Try to park your huge ships over a landmark or even a whole ocean if possible. Choose the major countries as well, don’t just pick one country because that will just annoy the other nations who haven’t been chosen and you want us fighting between ourselves, not organised against you!

Destroy something big

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Want to get humans running scared? Use your massive space lasers to destroy a few choice buildings. Maybe collect humans in a huge person-vacuum or even pick up one city and drop it on a completely different city. That way, we’ll take you seriously.

Avoid America

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For some reason, America seem really good at fighting aliens. They have contingency plans, super-soldiers who seem very capable for no reason and their President will want to be the person you talk to (whether you like it or not). Maybe start your invasion in Yemen.

Do your research

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Other aliens have made silly errors. Don’t come to a planet made up of 70% water if your allergic to the stuff. The same with oxygen, trees, cars and social networks.

Update your virus software

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We are led to believe by the movies that aliens are an intelligent, technological superior race who will easily consume us with their advanced weaponry. If this is the case, make sure it is powered by the latest version of Windows. Don’t come down here with Windows 8 because Microsoft gave Earth Windows 10 for free and hackers will just destroy your network.

Get your vaccinations

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We are a fairly advanced race when it comes to diseases but most people have built up that immunity. You’d hate to come down to Earth, destroy a city, enslave the human race and then catch the common cold and be stuck in bed for a week – or worse. Get some vaccinations, make sure you’ve had chicken pox before, and then start your invasion.

Don’t underestimate us

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This advice is fairly pointless. Earth will win. Earth always wins and when it does we will steal your technology, join together to create one big super-nation army and then when you return for revenge, we will beat you again!

Try another planet

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Hundreds of thousands of galaxies with tons of planets and you choose ours? Even in our small galaxy there is better choices. Mars is nice this time of year, you’re certain to get a tan and there isn’t any life on that planet (that we know of).

Overall, you can follow the advice above to try to invade Earth or you can take the better piece of advice and not bother. Alternatively, just watch the films about alien invasions and build your own “how not to…” guide and give it a try.

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You could come and talk to Amy Adams…

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